When I was a young teacher, I not only nourished and guarded my kindergarten children like a mother hawk guards her nest, but I was protective of the art area as well. Not in an orderly, spic and span sort of way, but in a sacredly necessary sort of way.

To me, the art area was a living thing. The shelves there were not stocked with things to be had, but materials to be interacted with. My kindergarteners always had paint, even if I had to buy it myself, which was often the case. The classroom didn’t have an easel (which horrified me), and so, if memory serves, I built my own. Details are fuzzy, but somehow cup hooks were involved.

In June of 2015, four months ago, I discovered something - I love to paint.

I discovered something else - I'm kind of good at it. Can I say that?

Thinking about the way my brain has changed (lyme effect), and how I am exploding with artistic expression these days, wondering why but not wondering too hard because I don't want to spoil it.

Also thinking that part of that change means I cannot remember details of the whys and the whats as I learn them. They will not be held in my mind.

​Reading Big Magic, still. and thinking about legitimacy.

I have a confession to make. I feel illegitimate as an artist. It's because I cannot hold a conversation with anyone about art, or artists, color or line, composition or any of the details other artists seem to hold so easily in their minds.

I do hold it all... just not in the part of my mind where the language lives. I hold it all... in the part of my mind where I create. 

Thinking about how Nasty Girl tells me not to bother learning about all the details, the whats and the whys. "What the hell?" She's so snarky with me. "You won't remember them anyway. You won't be able to talk about them while sipping champagne at an art opening, discussing the various styles and histories and all the rest. Don't bother." 

Nasty Girl is, as my grandmother used to say, full of pink tea.
​I'm not going to let her talk smack to me.. 

Liz Gilbert says to be a gangster for our art.
I like that. 

I choose gangster.
Anybody got a problem with that? 

I didn't think so.